Defining a Dead End
by LicaToRiku
Summary: Gokudera Hayato's life in his eyes. He really does need to find a better hobby than smoking and pondering about trivial things. A pretty useless story, really


**A/N: yoh so I was meaning to write some good shounen ai, but since I have this suppressed loneliness crap inside of me right now, let's go on with the angst –iy very short story we have now. **

**Disclaimer: Nothing is mine, as per usual**

Defining a Dead End

Gokudera Hayato hated days like these… The kind of days that required him to just sit in his couch with or without a snack he favored, curled up and just relaxing away from work, or so in the outside. Relaxing…more like being totally unproductive because there was really no more work to be done and Tsuna heartlessly ordered him to get some rest and stop being such a worry wart perfectionist. He didn't understand how much of hell that would be causing him. So now what was he supposed to do?

These unproductive days always left him room to think, and he hated thinking more than anything, and no he was not joking at all. Thinking of strategies, numbers, logic...he didn't really like those things, they were boring. Math problems were easy, science always changes so there was no need to fully understand it, emotions were always in a whirlwind and people were puzzle pieces he'd often not care to solve, but all in all he hated thinking of life itself the most. He hated thinking of his life to be specific.

His life was messed up. His life is still messed up, and it will always be messed up. It wasn't even a cliché exaggeration for his part. Let's see…his mother died early so he didn't really have any mother figure, his sister still makes his life shorter every time she shows up, his father was a douche bag who by birth made him automatically connected to the mafia, and we all know the shit that means.

During his childhood he received more than enough crap for twenty children to endure, his teenage memories composed of underage smoking and fighting for his life, really the only highlight was meeting the tenth, and for normal people that was still bad news, and now he's 20 what and he still haven't found the meaning to life aside from being a big scary Mafioso. So again what now?

Weirdly…the fact that he's the right hand man of the most powerful mafia family in the world's boss, pretty rich considering the pay he's receiving, not to mention the properties he refused to claim when his father died and the fact that he had a little too many friends over the course of time didn't help him understand if he really was already fulfilled or not.

What does he want?

Was the mafia not enough? Wasn't being the right hand man of Tsuna not enough for him to be satisfied? What would his mother tell him if she was alive? Would his father still bug him about being the boss of their own family? Is Tsuna satisfied with him being his right hand man? Is there anyone who understands what he's going through? He was a disappointment wasn't he? Was he? Will they? Where? Who? WHY?

WHAT?

He was in a dead end. The worst feeling you get when you're thinking…is when you can't think of anything anymore. No more possibilities, no more reason…just a sudden halt. It was his weakness, not understanding that is. What was life aside from Vongola? If Vongola was nothing…then who would he be this day? He didn't know…rather he didn't want to admit who he'd be. Wishful thinking was never allowed, he wasn't stupid after all. He'd just reject it all, his pride cannot take it and that's when thinking comes to a halt.

Gokudera Hayato hated thinking of his life the most, because plainly he considered it as an utter waste of time and the deed always ends up blatantly slapping his face. He was a successful person, but he wouldn't have been save for everyone around, and he hated to admit that. His understanding always reached a dead end, and the concrete wall that stopped him from accepting the truth was always his pride. His pride made him Hayato, but it also stopped him from being more than just, Gokudera Hayato.

He secretly hoped that no one other than him refuses to understand their own life.

**A/N: Ah…I think I just wasted some few minutes of your life…sorry, but please waste some more in reviewing…onegai? Should I write more like these or just firkin stick to yaoi…ah whatever…I was tempted to give 1859 hints but…I decided it would ruin the story atmosphere, yeah.**


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